Chaucer Pubbe Gagge

Three fellows wenten into a pubbe,
and gleefully their hands did rubbe,
in expectacion of revelry,
for twas the hour known as happy.

Great bottles of wine did they quaff,
and hadde a really goode laff,
'till drunkenness held full dominion,
for 'twas two for the price of one.

Yet after wine and meade and sack,
man must have a massive snack,
great pasties from Cornwall,
Scottish eggs, round like a ball.

Great hams, quail, duck and geese,
they sucked the bones and drank the grease.
One fellow stood all pale and wan,
for he was a vegiterian.

Yet man knoweth that gluttony stoketh the fire of lechery,
upon three young wenches round and sly the fellows cast a wanton eye,
One did approach with drunken wink,
'allow daaahlin – you fancy a drink?

Soon they court them on their knee – 'twas like some grotesque puppetry,
such was the lewdness and debauchery 'twas like a sketch by Dick Emery,
Except Dick Emery is not yet born,
so that comparison may not be drawn.

But then the fellows began to pale,
for Quale are not the friend of ale,
And in their bellies much confusion,from their throats,
vile extruision!

Stinking foul coruption,
came spewing forth from drooling lips,
the fettid stench did fill the pubbe,
'twas the very arse of Belzibubbe.

Thrown they were, from the Whore and Trumpet,
In the street, no coin, no strumpet,
homeward bound must quickly go,
and to that end, a donkey stole.

Their hands all with vomit greased,
the donkey – was not pleased,
and threw them into a ditch of shite,
they all agreed – "what a brilliant night!"

Religion

Religion is nothing more than a temporary construct of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence without meaning or purpose.

Think about it.

Games

I'm a huge fan of video games (hold for twats to make their ignorant nerd remarks...1...2...3...) and recently I got an XBOX360. I also got the Beta version of Final Fantasy XI which is so amazingly good; it's one of those games where everyone playing is in the same world at the same time, called and MMORPG (Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game).

I was bored one evening and was looking around various site when I came across a forum of people who all say that the XBOX doesn't 'desurve' to have a Final Fantasy game for some reason. It's late and I can't be bothered to go on a rant so I'm just gonna paste what I wrote on the page.

I love gaming as much as the next man and over the ears I've had every console you'd care to metion and I don't get why the 360 doesn't 'desurve' FFXI.

AS far as console go I can easily say that the PS2 sucks more ass than the Gamecube, which is so underated and shunned mostly by the people that have never owned one.

I would wager that most of you who don't want FFXI on the 360 don't have one and didn't have an XBOX. The 360 'desurves' to have FFXI purely because it will open it to a larger audience and because it will give it a better game play expirence (because the XBOX's is actually good rather than settling for that poor graphics and shite interface of the PS2 and most likely PS3)
If there is something that doesn't desurve something its the PS3 that doesn't desurve online play. The PS2's net play was one of the crappest things I've ever had to play and it was the playonline server that made it remotel bearable. Now XBOX-LIVE, that is a damn good service.

If you take issue with me just look on the PS3 official website; the description of the PS3's 'origional' internet play is XBOX-LIVE. Every detail is stolen from Microsoft.

Final fantasy for XBOX-LIVE; it seems to me that Microsoft that got the short end of the deal.

Feel free to take issue with me.

Railtrackspike@hotmail.com (I've also got MSN messenger)

XBOX-LIVE gamertag: Railtrackspike

FFXI Character name: Serath (Hydra 360 Beta server)

What is the longest word in the dictionary?

It might be supercalifragilisticexpialidocious (which appears in the Oxford English Dictionary), unless you want to count names of diseases (such as 'pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis', defined by the OED as "a factitious word alleged to mean 'a lung disease caused by the inhalation of very fine silica dust' but occurring chiefly as an instance of a very long word"), places (such as 'Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch', a village in Wales), chemical compounds (apparently there is one that is 1,913 letters long), and also a few words found only in Joyce's Finnegans Wake.
Other words famous for being sesquipedalian:

• antidisestablishmentarianism ("opposition to the disestablishment of the Church of England")
  
• floccinaucinihilipilification
  
• honorificabilitudinitatibus (Which appears in Shakespeare's Love's Labour's Lost, and which has been cited as [dubious] evidence that Francis Bacon wrote Shakespeare's plays)
  

Or perhaps smiles is the longest word — after all, there is a mile between the first letter and the last. (yeah I know that's gay)

References: http://www.dictionary.reference.com

Bored 1 (+ how to beat school proxy)

If you like me are a teenager and so suffer from cronic boredom, then you'll enjoy my Bored entries, this is the first and there are more to come.

Websites

For some reason the school I go to decides that we can't have fun and so have set up a proxy system which blocks out all un-PC sites and site that control sinful words (making Biology prep notoriously difficult). Over the years many people have tried various ways of beating it with many fancy, complicated programing. But I found a way to alter the html code so that the proxy network can't block any site. Simply put .proxy.cjb.net after the web address, eg. www.google.com.proxy.cjb.net, enjoy!

www.freestuff.kazorum.com - download movies, TV shows, music videos for free; iPod video and PSP ready (.MP4 files); if there's anything you want that isn't on it just reply to this and I'll seewhat I can do. Also for movies registration is required but this is free.
www.boredme.com - Loads of funny and interesting videos and pictures.
www.ebaumsworld.com - More funny videos, slightly more distastefull than boreme.
http://freestuff8.bravehost.com/ - All the Family Guy ever including series 4 and 5 download.
www.video.google.com - Search for every video on the net (no porn).
www.gamefaqs.com - Everything you want to know about your favorite video games.
www.whitestripes.net/downloads.php - Download at White Stripes live in Glastonbury Album here plus videos and stuff, it rocks!
http://www.personal.utulsa.edu/~eric-gesinski/fun/08%20Fleetwood%20Mac%20-%20Big%20Love.mp3 - Download for the Fleetwood Mac song 'Big Love' it has the most intense finger work ever, AHHHH!!!
www.miniclip.com - Games,games and more games.
www.2flashgames.com - Games, some more tastefull than others.
www.ultimate-guitar.com - All the guitar tabs and chord you'll ever need.
http://muse.cream.org/bill/index.html - This is a great Bill Bailey (comedian) site with loads to download, have a look around it.
http://www.thegoonshow.net/ - The website for the Goon Show, the radio show where comedy begun, downloads, scripts and info. This is a desurves a look.

DVD's

These are some I bought recently and are some are quite unknown but give them a go.

'Firefly Season' 1 - From the creator of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, a futuristic cowboy story following the crew of Serenity a firefly class ship. Action packed and witty Sci-fi expect lots of bar room brawls and space fights.

'The Ring' Box set - The origional japanese Ring, Ring 2 and Ring 0. The scariest movies ever made, have a clean pair of trousers on standby.

'The Cube' Trilogy - People stuck in a massive complex of many cube shape rooms; Sci-fi thriller, really needs to be watch as three movies together but still very good.

Team America - You think you've seen everything? Have you ever seen a man eat his own head? No? Then you haven't seen everything; from the creators of south park, puppets, enough said. Buy!

'Spaced' box set - Two brilliant series from the actors and creators of Shaun of the Dead. Very witty, very cheap £9.99 in most stores, a must buy item.

'Black Books' box set - Three series of hilarious comedy written buy Dylan Moran, very very funny includes Bill Bailey and many famous guest apperences. Book shop, cigarettes, swearing and enough booze to kill a baby giraffe, doesn't it sound great!

Stand Up Comedy

I am a big fan of stand up and I've seen many shows in many countries. Here are some of the best with DVD's out at the time.

Dylan Moran
Bill Bailey
Eddie Izzard

Radio

I know radio shows are out of fasion but there are some very good comedy shows on BBC Radio 4 and 7 (for those of us lucky enough to have a digital radio). You can also buy them on CD from book shops like Waterstones, my iTunes is packed with comedy, here's some of my favorites:

Dead Ringers - The greatest impressionist show ever; some of the best political comedy, satire and pant-wettingly funny parodies

Just a Minute - People have to talk on a topic for just a minute without hesitiation, deviation or repetition; very very funny but depends on who is on the show.

The Goon Show - Old Comedy not on radio any more. Written by Spike Milligan and started it all. All comedy ever comes from this show and the idea of crazy comedy was born here. See Web site for free downloads.

I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - The Grand Daddy of radio comedy. It's a pannel game where the contestants are given silly things to do by the God of chairmen, Humpfry Littleton. Don't be put off with they fact that most of the people are on this show are pretty old, they are so so funny. This is the only radio show that I have seen make a room full of people roll about, shitting themselves with laughter. So give it a go please. There are some free episodes on the Bill Bailey website mentioned above.

This should keep everyone happy untill Bored 2 comes along.

Short Stories

I like the idea of writing a book but I don't have the patience or the time (I have important things like sitting down to do) so sometime I'll be struck with a fantastic idea and I''ll write a short story. If you thing this is boring then further down the page is a section on Music and Pot. Anyway here's a little tasty number I wrote, enjoy!


Visions

I looked up - I couldn’t believe my eyes; it was coming closer and closer. I closed my eyes and ran as fast as I could. The flames were licking my heels. There is nothing I could do; I couldn’t keep running for ever. I had to let go, move to a different level from this shadowy plane of existence. I stopped; turn round, `Ahhh’ the flames engulf me. This was the end.
Black, all I could see was black. No wait, what is that, a star maybe? There another and another. What is this? I could feel something, something hard, all around me, no I’m trapped! How could this be I surely must be dead. The flames, they must have...have been illusions. And this, this must be an illusion. But it feels so real. How do I get out of it? No, No, No. I closed my eyes, hoping that someone would save me from this nightmare.
‘John, John wake up, he wants to see you,’ I opened my eyes and looked up there was Dr. Phillips standing over me. He helped me to my feet, I needed help to stand up since they slapped to straitjacket.
‘I had the dream again, the same, the end…’ I drifted of as he gave me a sedative. I could hear a dull drone in my ears and faintly make out the shining white corridor and I could feel the two guards dragging me to the end room. They bought me in, sat me on the chair and left the room. I tried to lift my head to look at the man sitting opposite me. I didn’t really need to look at him, I knew who it was. Dr. Stevens was the head doctor of the asylum. I could hear him clear his thought and the rustle of papers on his desk, though I couldn’t look at him. There was a silence and he said,
‘So, John is it. John Bain,’ why did he ask this he knew my damn name. ‘Dr. Phillips has been telling me that you have been having some bad dreams again,’ He said in his soppy patronizing voice. I managed to straiten up and looked him right in the eye.
‘Nightmares doctor, their nightmares,’ I said, ‘They are nothing to be made fun of. They are the reason that I’m in this God forsaken place.’
‘Yes I seem to remember that you went to the mayor’s office insisting that the world was going to end or something, and he had you arrested. Call me old fashioned but I think that saying that the world will end and attacking the mayor makes a man insane,’ he said.
‘I had to make him listen, he wasn’t….’
‘Yes well, that is completely of the point let’s be moving on shall we?’ He interrupted me, again. He always did that. He wanted everyone to know that he was the boss and that we did things to his liking. I hate the way he thinks of us. He is supposed to relate and care about us but it is plainly obvious that he is just humoring the authorities. He didn’t care if we stay here or get released, but for all he cares we can just stay here forever.
‘So Mr. Bain tell me about these dreams,’ he said and looked at me with a big smile across his face. Why would he care? But I might as well tell him, he had never bothered to ask before.
‘Well there are two which I have, on alternate nights,’ he started to right in his book which he the word BAIN written on the front. ‘The first is the one I had last night. I am lying I my bed and I get up I see a huge wall of fire hurtling towards me destroying everything in its path, I don’t know what caused it but I run as fast as I can. But I realize that there is know hope and stop, the flames carry me off, then there I am looking up into the dark sky and stars start to appear. I am then stuck in my mind until someone comes to wake me’. I finish and then he asks, not looking up from book.
‘And the other one?’ I looked at him; did he really want to know? Maybe he just wanted proof to ship me of to the maximum security prison up state.
‘Well,’ I said after a second or two,’ It was like it continued from the last one. I was sitting a small sought of crude concrete shelter. There was no roof but there was a piece of transparent plastic above me. I could see a building strutting out of the ground in front of me, covered in snow. Then the cold hits me, hard. I start to shiver as the cold engulfs me. I breathe in and a rush of cold air floods down into my insides, like opening the door in a warm house when it’s cold out side. Then I am frozen forever.’ I continued to say,’ the strangest thing is that when I wake up I feel cold and cough up a bit of ice.’
‘Has doctor Phillips seen any ice in your room?’ he said looking up.
‘No it melted before he could see it, but I swear that it happened, you have to believe me!’ I pleaded, loosing my cool.
‘Well Mr. Bain, I think that it will be some time before we get any good feed back from the powers that be, so I will see you next month,’ he gestured to the two guards by the door and they started to walk towards me.
‘You’re making a big mistake, Mr. Stevens,’ I said. ‘It’s Dr. Ste…’ was the last thing I heard before I was sedated.
I awoke on a hard surface. I stood up, looked around. Where in the world was I? I was on a street with towering buildings either side of me. My blurry vision cleared up and I saw that all the windows were blown out and that there was ash and soot all over the place. The buildings were scorched and there were upside down cars on the road. I had to find shelter, the ice was still to come.

The Most Pathetic Thing You'll Ever See

I saw the funniest thing on google videos the other day (which by the way is a brilliant site), it is a video of a teenage emo girl sitting in the closet of her middle class home reading poems and blowing out candles at 'climatic' moments. She is one of the most pathetic people in the world and seems to hate everything that real people love for no reason. Anyway I not in the mood for getting into a rant right now so just have a watch.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4056349448602781736&q=emo

Pot and so forth

Cannabis is a killer; if you fashion it into a club then cudgel someone to death with it your gonna go to jail. Just smoke it like a normal human being.

Smoke pot, not cigarettes.

Music

If you are a jibbbering, drooling, retarded, rap loving shit head who likes to open soup cans with your nails then you missed the left turn at tedious inevitability to futureless misery.

If you are a shell of a human shell (ie. an Emo kid) who can't experience any emotions exept reasonless hate and passionless love then why aren't you sitting in your closet away from the world reading poetry.

Anyway, these are some of my favorite bands (in no particular order):

Green Day
Led Zepplin
Black Sabbath
The Jimi Hendrix Experience
The White Stripes
The Ramones
The Rakes
Franz Ferdinand
AC/DC
Deep Purple
Feeder
Blink 182
Marilyn Manson
New Found Glory
Slipknot
System of a Down
Gary Moore
Muse
Sex Pistols
Sum 41
The Undertones
Pantera

There will be some more but I can't think of them now.

If you like some of what you see then give some one you haven't heard of a go.

If you know of some good stuff at a comment to let me know.

Anyone wishing to make pro-emo or pro-rap comments can stuff a jellied cat up your arse and then try to get it out using liquid nitrogen as some sort of torch or something.

Here I Sit

Here I sit in my room, in school, in London, in Britain. I sit staring at a screen, the screen on the laptop given to me to do my work on. I have spent this evening finding out about the effects of diabetes, as if somehow knowing about it will further what I can give to society. No, I am nothing but a digit, yet another strait A* GCSE grade. Purely to increase the schools reputation so that more people will come and sit here trying to find out about diabetes. Looking around my room I see my guitar and amplifier. Just one of the things I keep here to stop the realisation that what I sit here doing every night will have no effect on anything ever. Everything around me; down the hall; down Victoria Street; all of London was built so that we can kid ourselves that everything is a fine. The reason we work, vote, sing, dance, play, bully, cry, read, write, go to parties, fill our days with hundreds of menial tasks is just because it’s what people have always done. This is what we will always do; people say that they will climb the highest mountain, run faster than anyone ever has but it’s been done, maybe not as well but people have been climbing and running since time begun. People can’t accept change; our country is run by parliament which has always been the same. You can choose: low taxes, expensive services or high taxes, cheap services. Right now I could think of a million ways to improve our country but I’m a minor and because I haven’t lived as long as the rest of the country I have no rights. By the time I have lived for enough time to get to a position of power, I will have been crushed by living for so long in such a naïve and ignorant world. So I have been told to sit up, get on with it and not ask questions. By abiding I will one day grow up to tell someone to sit up, get on with it and not ask questions. This is it. What more is there? My future may seem unique but it will be one that some will have done before; a lawyer, a rock star, an actor, they’ve been done. So here I sit, insignificant, finding out about diabetes. I, Max Owens, have been done before.

Don't worry, i'm not always this depressed but exams and coursework get me down.